JESSE BURTNER
CAUGHT IN A MASSIVE BRAINSTORM
ALTHOUGH SOME MIGHT CALL THINK THANK’S BRAINIMAL JESSE BURTNER SOME SORT OF ANIMAL (“HONEYBEAR”???), NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING LIB TECH’S experiMENTAL DIVISION’S EXPERIMENTS. AFTER SEVERAL YEARS OF EXPERIMENTATION, LIB TECH CONDUCTS ONE LAST BUT NOT LEAST EXPERIMENT ON JESSE: PICKING HIS BRAIN.
You’ve been one of the first lab rats that the experiMENTAL division used to test their Banana Technology on. What psychological or physical effects did these experiMENTS have on you?
Well for starters the Banana Initiative Testing Protocols made my body 7 years younger but gave me 15 years more wisdom. So that was pretty sweet, I had been feeling kind of old and foolish. I can’t be sure of this, but I think the Banana experiMENT acted as a reverse aging agent as well as connecting me directly to the collective unconscious data base stored in the core of the earth beneath Port Angeles Washington.
What was the first Banana they had you ride and where did you take it?
I was part of an early early alpha stage testing exercise 9 years in the future. We took Bananas down a 30 degree slope at The Summit At Snoqualmie. It was a nuclear winter, so the snow was really sketchy. But it didn’t matter, because the board made me young and wise. I believe it was a Certified Organic Banana grown above a magnetically charged geo thermal hot spot in the Sequim rain forest, maybe a 155.
How was your experience with these (or this) Banana(s)?
It was as if up to that point I had been in one of those dreams where you need to run but no matter how hard you try you just can’t. The Banana woke me up from this nightmare, and as Forrest Gump said “I was a running!”
Any side effects that the public should be aware of or be warned of?
The most troubling of the unpublished side effects people need to know about is the drastic increase in financial and material wealth. The Banana literally makes you rich. And as we all know, more money more problems.
After the first round of tests, what where the differences you noticed in later Bananas that were tested on you?
The internal time machine between the bindings was given a longer reach into the future. This allowed us to do tricks even further outside of today’s realm as well as knowing the next 10 American Idol champions.
What do you think about “generic” alternative options other brands are trying to flood the market with?
It’s a classic scenario of people being afraid of a thing, hating it, discrediting it, then when they find out it makes them rich, and doubles as a time machine, they copy it.
How are they different? And would you recommend them to consumers?
They aren’t Certified Organic. They are only reflections of an organic Banana. They are forced imitations, hollow shells or “peels” if you will, missing the original spark or “seed” that makes a Banana a Banana. The are fluorescent puffy paint squiggle paintings hanging on the wall of a dentist office trying to pass as original Jackson Pollack art.
Does Lib Tech offer a Banana for any rider out there or is Banana Tech limited to just a certain type of rideR?
It’s limited to Humans and a handful of Humanoid Extra Terrestrials that have similar sized feet.
On the hole, would you say, the Banana will change riding experiences for generations to come?
To me The Banana and what it represents, progressive innovation through thought and fun, are currently playing a small but important role in saving this planet and the balance of the entire universe.
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